stop, look, listen

the other day i was on the bus for over 40 minutes. not what i would call the most exciting of moments in my life. but while on the bus, i took the time to read romans again. a friend of mine was told that romans is like the song of songs of the new testament. i wanted to try reading it again, from this perspective, as a love story.

as i was reading, i hit a passage that i have read and sung and yelled many times.

"and the God of peace will soon crush satan, underneath your feet."

it hit me as i was reading that i had never considered the second last word of that statement. each time in youth, when we were all jumping and shouting, i was thinking "God will crush satan." true. but how? underneath your feet.

the God of peace is powerful enough to crush satan completely on his own. but he CHOSE to equip us and partner with us so that we may have the victory with him! how profound is that!!? God will soon crush the evil one. and it will not be a show and tell, where he does it and says, "look guys, i did that for you!" no, it will be a partnership, a team. God will give US the victory over satan - he has given us every good gift - he has equipped us with grace and power to such an extent that satan will be crushed UNDER OUR FEET.

that's pretty exciting!!

human thesauras

i'm done. wiped. tired. exhausted.

it's strange - i feel this incredible freedom in my spirit and yet all around me my world is flying by and i don't know what do actually do with myself. i fully believe that if i had not finally let go and listened to Jesus when he extended his grace and freedom to me a few weeks ago, i would have crashed by now. working 59 hour weeks is totally do-able, except when you put too much pressure on yourself. and that is my (the freak-out queen's) tendency.

my heart's desire is that i can live my life wholeheartedly without feeling condemned or overwhelmed.

my trip to kansas city

it was more than just a roadtrip with a friend at the end. i really needed the time away from other distractions to just hear from God. the first day i didn't want to hear anything. i thought i did, but my ears have been so closed. i thought i knew what God is going to say, so i shut out what he was really trying to say.

...before anything about me was at all attractive, Jesus loved me. that love called me out of the place of immature, but sincere, returned love, to "scale the mountains" and grow in maturity. when i heard that invitation, i told him i loved him, then told him to go on without me. i told God i was happy where i was, and that moving forward would be too painful. so i got stuck. i felt alone. i felt like a failure. i promised to do better, to be better. and i fell and felt accused. i could hear his voice faintly at times, and would long to return to what we had. i wanted to go back, not forward. i don't know why, but i know now that i was afraid of the death that would come with maturity and moving forward. i was scared to die to myself. in my relationships, in my heart. death to self, maturity in love. i hid from that. yet you knew it was best. i heard you call me...yet i couldn't trust you to take my fears and give me the power to live free from condemnation and sin. today it changes. not with vows to do better, but with an open heart. a tender heart.

you want my whole heart.
it is all i have to give.
it really is.
i have nothing else i can offer.
and that is all you ask.

i journalled more in those 3 days than i had in the past few months. the thing i love about the prayer room is that even when you're distracted by something else happening in the room, it's always something that points you to God and his heart for you. but the prayer room wasn't the only place i received revelation from God. tarah has the great knack of being able to understand what i'm saying and share her wisdom on it, whether we're in the same place or learning completely different things.

i learned that God does not condemn. i learned that when the Holy Spirit points out things that need to change in my life, he is not angry with me and expecting me to just get it out and deal with it. when the Holy Spirit puts pressure on those areas of my life and behaviour, he is wanting to lead me to FREEDOM! not condemnation, not being "better"...

i've been scared to hear God's voice because i think i will be condemned. my heart was unable to trust, because deep down, i was believing that God would condemn me, when his word plainly tells me that he will not! when i finally allowed myself to hear what God was saying to me, he was telling me who i am. i am the flower that he has planted, chosen and that he delights in. he wants me to walk in freedom from the things that drag me down. his love and his commands are not burdensome!! i am who i am because of Jesus. all good i have comes from him.

taste and see that the Lord is good!!

it's coming!

(tarah and i at the greatest kids store ever...)

i really want to give a full update of my trip to Kansas City, because it was truly a fantastic and revelatory trip. but i just dont' have time! i'm still recuperating from only getting 1 hour of sleep in 36 hours, and starting my new job this week. and working a 60 hour week for the rest of the week. perhaps the weekend?

so much to tell...it will come yet!

on a scale of 1 to ridiculous, how easily do i get stressed?

ridonkulous might be the answer. i freak out a little too easily, i think.

i also like to justify things. thereby, i justify my freak-outs and stress to those around me, which increases my stress level because it increases the pressure i put on myself. i live in a happy little bubble, don't i...

two more days till road trip!!!

a lap is an illusion

there are so many interesting things about gilmore girls. think about it. do laps exist? it's there when you sit down, but disappears when you're standing. so does it really exist?