the first TRUE snowfall

i had a gorgeous walk home from school today. i won't lie, there was some skipping and twirling happening. at one point, i turned around to see....mr. tumnus!! not really, but it was a hunched over man with an umbrella. perhaps i have an over-active imagination?

it's sooooo beautiful outside right now, and our house is perfect for enjoying it. i want to avoid schoolwork and just relax.

the one thing that makes me sad about snow is that i can't really sit out on our porch to enjoy it. but i can look out the window.

and i will.

i want to see Your face.

wipe away the mist on the mirror and see You.

be transformed by seeing it.

my heart hurts

this makes me cry. i just finished the kite runner, a novel by khaled hosseini, and i cried through it as well.

why?

i'm so frustrated with my lack of ability to DO anything. it's times like these that i want to drop to my knees and truly intercede, not just toss up a prayer. but i feel so alone doing it. i feel so disconnected. Jesus, give me a heart for your people, for justice and mercy.

i'm so sheltered and apathetic. God, stir up a passion for intercession for the nations. who am i to ask for money to pay a speeding ticket? i'm not saying God doesn't care about the little things, i know he does. but if i am 200 bucks short for one month, what does it matter? i have all i need.

grant at wilton

tonight i sang "Jesus, truth in each circumstance."

i had a good time with God tonight.

then i got home and entered a circumstance i did not want. a circumstance that made me angry about my truth versus someone else's. i got a ticket for speeding and 3 pictures of it in the mail. that did not make me happy.

"Jesus, truth in each circumstance."

GAH!

oh where can you be

i bought a hat. which i really really like. apparently, i actually have some style when i wear it, and people don't recognize me because i am, and i quote, "hot."

i'm not sure how to take that, but hey, i like the hat.

i hate it when people assume things about you. or about others. i'm guilty of this thing i hate; perhaps that's why i hate it so much. i suppose my biggest frustration is when they think they know you so well, and so they assume you will act/react in certain ways. does that ever make you feel caged? it is as if you can't be who you are, because there are all these expectations around you that you seem to fit into.

that's why i love to leave. i love to go places (like camp) where i know no one. i love the chance to see who i really am. the things that are consistent from here to there to any place i go, are the things that i care about. sometimes these revelations are embarrassing, but often i've been struck by how i change myself to fit in with those i know.

i love the history i have with all my friends from winkler and my childhood, but sometimes i think that i put on more of a mask with those who know me well, than i do with those who are getting to know me. is this making any sense? i'm not saying they don't know me anymore, but as we change, sometimes we feel pressure to, well, not change. i come back from wherever i've been and i've learned to be myself in a different way and it doesn't make sense to my family or my friends, who didn't see me in that context.

so while self-awareness is a nice thing to gain, it can be so frustrating when those around us have not received the same awareness. like i said, i'm guilty of doing this to others. so how do we remain friends with one another but allow the other person to behave as who they truly are without burdening them with our expectations?

jesus

all i am is because of you, is because of your blood
and all i am is because of you, is because of your love

risen lord, most high king
coming with the clouds and
every eye will see
and i say,
what a wonderful saviour you are

wonderful saviour, beautiful God
intimate maker
i give you my love

~ merchant band

ugh

this is my fourth day being sick.
i've never been sick for more than one day in my life.
i do not like this!
granted, i'd probably not still be sick if i hadn't ignored it the first two days and just relied on ibuprofen.

don't you love when you know you could have made better decisions, but you didn't? don't you love knowing you can't blame anyone but yourself? oh yes. fun times.

cute

there are some friends that just put a smile on your face and a giggle in your heart. i just had a conversation with one such friend.

thank you friends for being my friends. i know i let you guys down sometimes, and i know i can be annoying and loud and sarcastic. i appreciate your grace and second chances.

"have a lovely night"

newfoundland

the whole earth is filled with the glory of God. the kavod of God covers the whole earth.

as i walked up signal hill (the first place to receive a trans-atlantic telegraph signal...which is a fairly large hill overlooking the atlantic ocean), these words kept replaying in my head. i couldn't speak, but i wanted to. it was so beautiful all around me, i couldn't take it all in. the whole earth radiates the glory of God. every glint in every rock, every sparkle on every drop of water, every beam of sunshine. it was a glorious walk.

when i reached the top of the hill and glimpsed the ocean, i was overwhlemed with the knowledge of God's love for me. so often in times of worship i search the word for things to praise God for...i search my heart and life for places i can give him glory. i had no need to search for the words that day. my heart spoke the second i saw the expanse of ocean.

how deep is your love for me, Jesus! your name will last always.

it was an experience i will never forget.

and so it begins

the season of snow. i was at my practicum this afternoon and when they announced indoor recess, the kids all demanded i open the blinds and look out the window for snow. it was only rain, but as we were packing up to leave, the snow came.

i love snow. i have to remind myself of this, because only 3 days ago it was so beautiful outside that i wanted to lie in the sun. i love snow, i do. snow means hockey, skating, tobogganing and snowballs. i love snow.

in other news, my annetta the jetta had to stay in winkler this week to be fixed. her first doctor's appointment, and it has to be without me there... :) i'm only a little attached to my car!

do you love snow?

captivating

yesterday i found out that 3 of my friends are engaged! in one day. three engagement announcements.

i just hope that i have my own by the time they're all sending their children to kindergarten!

this is the season of my life where friends get married and I AM VERY HAPPY FOR YOU GUYS!

death, hope and God's will

does God "choose" to "take" people home? to put it bluntly, did God want my friend to die in a car crash a year and 7 months ago? Did he pre-determine that death for her?

When i brought up these questions (not specifically) at home group on wednesday, everyone had something to say. most disagreed with what i thought, and i didn't articulate it very well. it was off-topic, so we left it for the night but i'm still curious.

someone said it wasn't very hopeful to think that God's will for our life wasn't that specific. I think it's more hopeful to believe God's will is not limited to my ability to make specific decisions. for example, if God's will for my life is so specific that he wants me here at university, right now, this year, what would happen if I had decided to take a year off and do YWAM or something else instead? would i be outside God's will? how do we define God's will? his good and perfect will.

.....

i used to want all the answers. i hated questions. now i believe in the beauty of questioning. is my faith in God strong enough to handle questions? i hope so.

.....

what if God's will is broader than we think? i know he knows every decision we make. but does that mean he has planned it all for us? i know God knows whn i'll die; but does that mean he chose for me to die then? isn't death a result of the evil in the world, which is a result of free will? i know prayers of intercession bring healing and change humans and events; but does that mean God planned all along that we would intercede and he would respond?

God is all knowing.

i think God operates on a different level than humans. i think we see 2-D. we measure time like a graph on paper. God does not belong only to our 2-D graph paper. he has dimensions beyond the paage. beyond 3-D. time to God is different.

how does this affect our ability and free will in making decisions? he knows, but is it planned? is it predetermined?

if there was no free will, no choice in the garden, there would be no love.

if we believe God has pre-chosen times for our acticities, even our death, do we believe in free will - our choice to love God or not?

it is the will for God for us to love: to bear fruit and reflect his glory; to choose justice and mercy as our lifestyles; to embrace his bride, the Church.

it is the will of God for us to know him and love him and trust him. this fills me with hope. knowing that no matter where i go, i can "do the will of him who sent me," as Jesus did.

i haven't mentioned the Word in all of this. i'm still searching it out. any thoughts?

my thoughts while in newfoundland

September 23, 2006
I love airports. I love what you see and what you think. My "stalker" from yesterday, the guy who followed me from The Rooms (a museum in St.John's) down to Water St., is on my flight! Same shirt as yesterday. Granted, I'm wearing the same sweater.

I just saw a man walking with his wife. A man that is either naive, very brave or very un-self conscious. He is wearing a green sweater with Tigger prominently displayed on the front. A very LARGE tigger.

Two very nice looking boys just walked by. I also appreciate this about airports.

And as a sort of fitting goodby to me from Nfld, my ticket clerk had a nice thick accent, calling an elderly hard-of-hearing gentleman, "m'luv."
.....
oh, there goes Tigger man again. Stone-washed levis. what a combination.
.....
i wonder how i am perceived... creepy girl with notebook?

Uniforms make the man. Pilots just walked by and anyone can be improved by a uniform. i like that about airports.

Stalker boy just walked past and bumped my arm to get in line. Boy with potential to be cute apparently scrapped the cute look for a mullet. Another boy thinks it is cold and is wearing a furry toque. i love airports.