revolution

the christian life is revolutionary. it is radical. based on revelation of truth, we should be living lives that are completely different from the world's standards, and completely based on standards of Christ. sometimes it hits me how much i worry about other opinions. how much we as christians even tell each other that "this is far enough". we only need to love our neighbours - but don't tell them if their car is driving down a road that ends off a cliff. i'm not saying that loving our neighbours is pointless or useless - it's integral! but we need to be willing to stand up as disciples of Christ in places we don't, places we should. we need to be willing to say we will obey him, no matter the cost. even if it's against the law. and for me the biggest thing is even if it will be noticed by other people, and maybe called weird. we need to love, but love radically. we need to express that love beyond being polite and nice. the more time i spend with God, the more i'm challenged, the more questions i have and the fewer answers i have. or at least the answers i thought i had get torn apart. good things, but hard. good, but radical.
now to go and live my life with all this in mind....

take my life

the last week has been a strange one. i hate it when i see what's wrong, and i know how to fix it, but i decide that i don't have time, or that it can happen later. and i hate it when the devil tries to tell us that we're bad christians because we aren't "good enough", or make us feel guilty. condemnation is from the enemy, conviction is from the Holy Spirit! Lord, may I be open to your conviction and truth. so many times i feel like i'm blocking the work of the Holy Spirit. more and more i'm realizing i can just make sure i'm opening myself up over adn over, everyday, in all my thoughts and all my ways. allowing His thoughts to be mine. does anyone know Jason Upton?
"Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
this is no sacrifice
here's my life"
so true.

i had a good time at the weakerthans last night, minus our camera not working.....
"beauty is just another word i'm not quite sure how to spell..."

did my christmas shopping today, found the sweater of my dreams, and the t-shirt that is the green of my dreams. all for less than 50 bucks! bought some groceries. always a good thing, except when the money is low...
thank you Jesus for providing!
i've come to the conclusion that i may have too many steves in my history/life. i called eric "steve" more than once yesterday. oops!
church of the rock and skating tomorrow!! woohoo!
jennie? thanks for the message - you will be my sleeping-in-the-other-room-with-air-conditioning sister forever :) i may have deleted the message accidentally....i guess we both have our little mistakes :) don't worry about the video, it's all good! miss you!

i miss annie

i just got an e-mail from annie. i love that girl! she made me cry in this computer lab with 59 other people. yesterday i had home group at crystal siemens. it was good, as usual. today i have bio class and lab. ugh. lab. so tomorrow! tomorrow i get to go to the weakerthans concert, see eric, jen and gina, and spend the night at kendra's! that's all pretty exciting!! and i haven't got much more to say except that it's my brother's birthday today - happy birthday jotham! and it's johanna's birthday on sunday!

trying for a short one today

i was thinking today about the title of my blog. it originally came out of my latest learnings in the way of Jesus' revelations, but i watched our dts video today.....so good!! and it reminded me that we did a drama called the desire. and we got very sick of it. i recall the word "hate" almost being used :) but that drama's message put it very well. while the words of the song had little to do with the story, except the fun part where i'm a demon and get to fall to the floor because "fire goes before him and consumes his foes on every side! the earth sees and trembles, the mountains melt like wax..." anyways! while the words, let it rain, had little to do with the story, the story is about desire. how we were created to desire God, but we desired other things and thought they were better, but they beat us up. true desire is only fulfilled in Christ. funny how easily i forget that.

it's about to get long, i think. so! weakerthans on friday with eric and jen! i'm pumped :) providing we can actually find tickets...
busy weekend this time around....i'm sharing about taiwan in church on sunday....powerpoint is being redone, couldn't take it home from my computer in winnipeg...issues...BUT! i might go to monica's house on sunday to put up her christmas tree! so that might be very exciting.
it was so good to watch my dts video. my family even laughed at some parts, though i most definitely laughed more often :) except jennie!!! you didn't take out the part where you suddenly peek over our wall and i'm changing!! yeh, that was still in there! so good to hear everyone's voices, though. and see their sweaty faces in taiwan...that's probably my favorite thing about canada. the sweat is just so much less! with that thought,
good night!

hmmm

"while our heart grows in its capacity for pleasure, it grows in its capacity to know pain" ~ john eldredge & brent curtis
"God's problem is not that God is not able to do certain things. God's problem is that God loves. Love complicates the life of God as it complicates every life" ~ john douglas hall

i've been meaning to write here for awhile. been busy - procrastinating, as usual :) however, there are some things i definitely want to say. God is good. how do i know this? and how can i say this to people who are dying in poverty, children who are deprived of things i take for granted? i don't know if i could say it to their faces, but i believe i would, because i believe it with all my heart. God's love is something we will never fully understand. the beauty of love is not in it's magnitude or overwhelming feeling, but in it's meaning. to love something completely you make yourself vulnerable. God loved the people he created so much, that he gave them free will; the will to choose him or not to choose him. He recognized that love would not truly be love if there was not the freedom to choose. but because of that freedom, adam and eve, and the rest of humanity since, have suffered exquisite pain, yet longed for and occassionally experienced exquisite beauty. the world is a hard, hateful and cold place, because we have free will. because in loving us so much and desiring relationship with us, God has made himself vulnerable to our decisions. it hurts his heart that there is pain in this world. it breaks his heart that children are unloved, families are broken and lives feel meaningless. it is in the beauty of his love, the beauty of his goodness, that we also experience pain. perhaps no pain would seem to be a good thing. but without pain, there is no beauty in love. i dont' know if i can say it any different than that. i believe with all my heart that the God who loved so much that he let his own son die a horrible, horrible death so that i could love him without reserve, and be loved and seen as perfect by him in return is a GOOD GOD! i serve a God who makes his love complete in us. thank you Jesus, for the cross! thank you God for your redemption despite our failures! thank you for your grace, your mercy and your love!! you are good and your love endures! may your goodness be made known, fully known, to all generations!

alberta bound

mmm, God is good. I had the best weekend ever. we got there on thursday afternoon, after surprising amanda in regina with some happy lotion :) i had only told jessica and amanda that we were coming for sure, so we surprised a lot of people. soo good! wow. i don't even know where to start. we got to sit in on two sessions with russ and sandy rosen - again, so good! i love meeting new people!! i got to go up to prayer mountain, take some walks around the whole ranch and eat lots of food at ethnic night!! i also got to do lots of cutting and gluing in preparation for ethnic night! i got to see all my little babies that i was missing....that was also really good. steve and i had a "one-on-one" friday at supper time :) that was fun, and amanda joined us. thanks to michael mcandrew for making my weekend a lot of fun :) oops, did i say mcandrew? i definitely meant anderson! clarissa and i had so much fun yelling at each other and having a party for two in our cabin with lots of food every evening!!! it was really relaxing and restful, but not physically.... evenings sitting around and chatting were my favorite, especially with jessica, whom i love very dearly. and chadwick even gave us hugs goodbye, even if it was a squirrel hug! i do have deep thoughts somewhere, but they are still deep within me. perhaps i will let them out later on. right now i'm having too much fun thinking of the memories and talks. oooh, but russ rosen leading worship on thursday was definitely from Jesus!! God is speaks to us, everytime!

trinity

oh lovely divine
i cannot describe You, i will not deny You
three beauties entwined
i will not disguise You, i cannot divide You

and trinity, You gave to me
all that love could ever be
and i intend to show
that who You are brings life to me
my soul You saved in unity
that's all i need to know
it's all i need to know

oh holy divine
i sing of Your wonders and what i've discovered
the mystery i find
there's none that compares to, nor will i dare to

now faith, faith and trust, is how i can hope for
what i do not see
so let, let reason kneel, kneel in surrender
in surerender, insurrender (to my Lord)
and trinity, you gave to me

all that love could ever be and i intend to show that who You are brings lifre to me
my soul You saved in unity

three beauties entwined
i will not disguise You, i cannot divide You
~ LaRue

i've never been so restless and lonely in my life. it's like this after-reaction to YWAM, that i knew was coming, but i had no idea would look like this. the loneliness is not just missing the people i grew to love. it's like the whole experience of beauty opened me up to more pain. but yet, there is exquisite beauty when you are brought back from that pain. right now, i think the restlessness is because i know i'm going back to the physical place i knew intimacy with God. and it will be different. guaranteed. but there is still anticipation, for relationships that i want to participate in face-to-face again. and i'm really excited!! at the same time, i need to deal with the source of my feelings. am i really making an effort at all? sometimes i honestly don't know if it's me being honest, or the devil's condemnation. or if it's the devil lying, telling me that i'm okay.

last week...no, two weeks ago, i was feeling hardcore scattered and restless. steph and i went to nightwatch at her church, which is 4 hours of worship and intercession. i was broken. i finally came to a place where i had to make Christ my focus, or i would fall apart. the intensity in that is hard to even remember. i know i cried, i was shaking and on the floor, curled up. i felt cleansed afterwards, but i'm so prone to forgetfulness. even now, i can feel some of the same things coming back, but i've chosen to push them aside. i need to remember! the bible says to "forget not!" the Lord's benefits. i've made the decision not to forget. it's strange all that goes on when you have so much to process. i was reading old e-mails and came across something i'd written to my jennie in halifax. i had sobbed over the girls at the centre in taiwan. just like that, my mom and me having a conversation, and i started crying. five minutes later, i stopped. emotion is so strange! you need to feel it, but at the same time, you cannot be ruled by it. yep. that's what's on my mind at this moment.

praise for God, though, on another note! i have a potential roommate for when steph goes on her dts to scotland! so that's definitely an answer to something i didn't give enough prayer to! what can i say? God is truly good. can't wait for heaven, when His grace will truly be sufficient and i will no longer have to live apart from his intimacy in a fallen world. i don't deserve heaven, but oh, do i long for it. come quickly, Lord!

i failed

sorry jenny, i failed in my homework. i don't know how to do it! please help me.... :)

this was an interesting weekend. i had so much fun going to my little sister's musical....although evan's outfit was a bit tight... all in all, it was an awesome production! i went twice; once with the family, once with kendra. i embarrass my little sister carrilee when i cheer too loud :)

so boys have become the topic of conversation far too frequently. my roommate is getting asked out by everyone, she's shocked (pretty much spent highschool like we did - no boys!) and stuff is confusing. everyone is just more aware and more scared than ever. about boys and relationships, i mean. we could start talking about politics in regards to that statement, but i'd rather not.

today is stressful, which is why, once again, i am doing something other than homework. i'm actually trying to multi-task, so in between sentences i'm doing research for a paper. i'm hungry too, but they don't allow food into the lab.

so i've decided that i need to shape up. physically, mentally and spiritually. spiritually. i'm at a place where God is super-important to me, and i'm talking to Him about everything at any time, anywhere, but i'm not seeking him out daily. i'm not pursuing him. it's strange, because that's so important, and i so notice when it's lacking, but at the same time, i know that i'm secure, i'm loved and i have the best relationship ever because He pursues me! who wants to try and figure that one out? but really. i never used to view myself as a moody person, but here i am swinging from one end of the spectrum to the other, spiritually. i think. and then i don't think. but i'll tell you what i do know, what i have learned and what i want to continue doing.

i want to worship everywhere all the time. and what i loved about this weekend was that on sunday morning no one showed up for sunday school except me, lori and kendra. so we headed over to the stage, grabbed rob's guitar, dallas' guitar, the little bongo drums and keyboard and music, and we "jammed" - we worshipped! let's not pretend it wasn't worship. sure, it wasn't planned, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't even together at all! but we had a blast, and i know God enjoyed watching us. so yay for the happy trio! may God bless our fingers and rhythm!

ooh the procrastination

i'm at school. should be studying for bio lab quiz. too lazy, and too sick and tired of looking at slides of tissues. i do not enjoy labs. do not.

but i'm going to alberta next week!! praise the Lord!!! it worked out, clarissa and i are off! we want to leave on thursday morning, perhaps trevor funk will join us, but my only concern is finding an open gas station on remembrance day. perhaps we'll have to bring a big jerry can with us, just in case. cuz we can't get to alberta on one tank of gas! i'm so excited to see people from dts again, even if it's just the staff! and their kids....oh it's happy for me! plus, i love the ranch! the land. the beauty and the isolation. i feel so at home there. apparently they don't have snow yet. kind of sad, but good, because if we take my car, the poor old buick would have trouble making it up our steep, winding road in snow.

okay. i really should go now to try to be semi-productive. yesterday we made christmas shoeboxes. i did one for a 10-14 yr old boy with rae. it was so fun!!! yes, yes it was. Jesus, you rock!

this time around

i just bought the new paul brandt cd. it's good. i'm enjoying it a lot. wow, it's so different to not have 3 tests, and multiple papers due, all in one week. yay for midterms being over! today i have to walk to the site gallery downtown to look at my selected works of art for my art history essay. should be some good times!

i'm learning to play guitar, did i tell anyone? come to think of it, i think only jenny knows where this site is, so even if i tell people read this, no one will really know.....anyhoo, i'm playing guitar in my spare time, and it's getting easier. i've got calluses, very exciting. oh dear, i have gone downhill since i left highschool. i don't know how to spell anymore. is that how you spell calluses? who knows!

yesterday was a fun day, where i should have gotten more done, but didn't! steph and i had some chats, good times, then her familia called, it was stressful for her, so we went to safeway (with our trusty card and coupon!) and bought 4 litres of icecream!! and some flowers for our apartment. then we saw eva in the parking lot of our building (she lives in our building) and we invited her up for cookie pizza and icecream. steph had made one giant cookie pizza before we left. so we put our flowers out, and had icecream with cookie pizza. yum, yum! we also brought our landlord some, and some flowers. she was happy about that. so that was my evening. i didn't call my familia, which i meant to do, but s'okay. i'll do that tonight. i love my familia. they are some good stuff.

i'm really enjoying paul brandt. really, i am. and you know what? i'm enjoying God this week and weekend. i'm realizing a lot more about heaven. stink, did you know that we actually for-real get to go there?! and it's not a sing-a-long in the sky for forever - it's us doing exactly what God has gifted us to do, worshipping him in pure abandon and having the best fun ever! which means, i get to play baseball to the glory of God! i get to sing my heart out, without worrying about being off-tune or sounding good - i will, and God will love it! and it's going to be intimacy beyond intimacy here on earth! i got one of those slight internal scares yesterday thinking i may not get married before the world ends, but seriously, the intimacy that i long for in marriage is NOTHING compared to the intimacy i was created to experience with God! the shadow of it on earth is something we search for so hard, and long for, but the creator of it, the perfect unity in the trinity, has something so much better!! i'm holding onto that. heaven is not going to be a disappointment. not by any means. death is to be with God! there is no fear in death, and while i love life here, i can only imagine what it will be like in heaven with abundant life in Jesus! you'd think we could come up with a better word than heaven....it just doesn't seem to capture what i think is all a part of live everlasting with Jesus, the author and perfector of love!

woo. that just all came out. good stuff. have an awesome day! multiply the good stuff by 10, and then think how much better it will be in heaven!
this isn't home, praise the Lord!