i bought a hat. which i really really like. apparently, i actually have some style when i wear it, and people don't recognize me because i am, and i quote, "hot."
i'm not sure how to take that, but hey, i like the hat.
i hate it when people assume things about you. or about others. i'm guilty of this thing i hate; perhaps that's why i hate it so much. i suppose my biggest frustration is when they think they know you so well, and so they assume you will act/react in certain ways. does that ever make you feel caged? it is as if you can't be who you are, because there are all these expectations around you that you seem to fit into.
that's why i love to leave. i love to go places (like camp) where i know no one. i love the chance to see who i really am. the things that are consistent from here to there to any place i go, are the things that i care about. sometimes these revelations are embarrassing, but often i've been struck by how i change myself to fit in with those i know.
i love the history i have with all my friends from winkler and my childhood, but sometimes i think that i put on more of a mask with those who know me well, than i do with those who are getting to know me. is this making any sense? i'm not saying they don't know me anymore, but as we change, sometimes we feel pressure to, well, not change. i come back from wherever i've been and i've learned to be myself in a different way and it doesn't make sense to my family or my friends, who didn't see me in that context.
so while self-awareness is a nice thing to gain, it can be so frustrating when those around us have not received the same awareness. like i said, i'm guilty of doing this to others. so how do we remain friends with one another but allow the other person to behave as who they truly are without burdening them with our expectations?
2 comments:
Good questions, Marcia.
I'm guilty of the same...and sometimes frustrated by the same. It almost stems down to fear of man. Don't let any person define who you are (I'm so guilty of it sometimes)...be yourself. Be who you are created to be. It all comes back to WHO DID GOD CREATE YOU TO BE? WHAT DOES HE THINK ABOUT YOU? WHAT IS HE FEELING WHEN HE LOOKS AT YOU? ..kay, a little passionate there... God is not a stoic, detatched being - He is intricately involved in your life and HE LOVES YOU! HE LIKES YOU! HE DESIRES YOU! ; )
I love the change that I see in you. Keep running after the heart of God. Let nothing stop that pursuit. That is the one place (with the One) that you can be yourself...and even if you're not...He already knows it and loves you.
ok, I'm done...
Marcia. Who are you, dear lady? I have felt vicitimized by this very notion. Which is why I find it so hard to go back to Winkler, to my church, to people I know there, even sometimes to see you and other people I do love. How can we know who each of us truly is? We all change and we're not around to see each other change. I used to feel this way with my own sisters. The reality is that they're changing too. Discovering who your beloved family and friends are all over again is hard, but necessary. You cannot be anonymous to those that know you, but you can be honest and show how you've changed. Don't settle for fitting the mould. I'm one to talk, but I'm making a difference. I have changed so much, and I have decided to be this person, with all the shortcomings I entail. And just the way you are is the best way to be.
Marce, I look forward to meeting you one of these days.
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