my emotions, my desire

i have very encouraging friends. even those i do not know on a daily, face-to-face relationship, encourage me and build me up. what is it in me that only hurts when i hear it? crying doesn't make it better, but i do it anyway. someone once told me anyone who married me would be the luckiest guy ever. i don't believe it. and yet i do. that's why it hurts. because i know i was created for intimacy. God placed that desire in me. He creates beauty and He created me. i've had a taste, a glimpse of the extravagance of love Jesus feels toward me. it's beautiful and heart-wrenching, the depth of his love for just me. but that glimpse, allowing me to begin to believe that i am truly desirable, even captivating, can also be a pitfall. as soon as i rest that belief on someone in the flesh, another human, i am hurt. not a specific person even, just humanity. when i believe i am worth it, loved and who ever marries me is lucky, but i believe that in the earthly realm, i hurt. i need to take it beyond that and believe in my spirit, understand in my heart, that it is the Holy Spirit, Jesus, my lover, that provides the foundation for my belief. i am worth it. i am beautiful. i can barely get those words out. i feel conceited. but in the spiritual, where my life is lifted up, my slavation is secure, it is true. i can believe it. you can believe it. Jesus says "the Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. the words i have spoken to you are spirit and they are life."
amen