i will not be offended

whenever i start to explain all that went on in my mind and spirit this last week or so, the words seem so lame. so overdone, so "been there, done that". but that's not it at all. i'll still try.

i want to be so abandoned to Christ, and so aware of his love for me, and what he taught in the bible, that i will not be offended when he returns in power and glory. i want to allow the Spirit of God to so badly wound my individuality that the safest place for me is the center of the flame: all of me and my human selfishness burned completely away. i want to welcome his convicting fire into my life to destroy the things that are not of Him. I want to be crucified completely. to not do this would be for me to stare in the face of Jesus, the Son of Man, and say "NO. i do not want to let you be that kind of friend to me." when i avoid reading His word, when i avoid talking to Him, when i choose the mundane and meaningless i am blatantly saying "i don't care enough."

i came to a point on thursday where i was not happy with that. i could see Jesus in front of me, reaching, straining for me to grab his hand. he wouldn't reach down and grab mine unless i removed the shackles i had holding me to all the things around me. it was my choice. i could ask for his grace and remove the things that held me back, or i could sit in my filth and only talk about the beauty of his face as it gazed on me with desperate love. i chose to cry out for his grace and know his beauty and love.

i'll take my cold, cold heart
i'll take my unrenewed mind
i'll take your word in my hand
and i'll give you time to come and melt me

i can't even love you unless you call my name
i can't even worship unless you anoint my heart
i can't even want to unless you want me first

just let my heart be alive
let me be living deep
deep on the inside
come fan the flame
~ misty edwards