boundaries

you always hear about "healthy boundaries."

what does this mean?

all my life, i've been a busy girl. that's how i was raised. to be honest, i never thought much about boundaries until i was on my own, and suddenly i could make all the decisions. i never really felt like i needed to say "no" to anything, until i was about 19 or 20. suddenly, all these options were open to me, and i could pick and choose what i wanted to do.

of course, i always want to do everything. that's who i am. so i did! for awhile...at first it was easy to say no. i could easily distinguish what i didn't have time for, and what i really wanted to do more than other things. but then i got married. and got a job. and became a "real" adult.

i love to work hard. i love to be involved in anything at church. but after awhile, you start to feel run down, if you're not careful (so i was told). i found myself (on the advice of others and common sense) saying "no" to more and more things.

but as i said no, i started to develop an attitude of "i'm so busy, i HAVE to say no, and people should realize how much i DESERVE to be ABLE to say no." obviously, i didn't vocalize this very prideful thought, but it was there. deep down, hidden. and as this took root in my heart, i started to not really enjoy the things i had said "yes" to! i had allowed my joy to be taken from me - my joy in hard work, and giving to others.

turning point: i recognized what was happening.

dilemma: how do i change it?

i still don't know. last night at our church leader's meeting, my pastor was talking about giving of ourselves to the poor. you know, the verse where Jesus talks about those who fed him, clothed him and loved him (even the least of these). and i felt this yearning, as of old, to give of myself to others. immediately following this yearning was condemnation - the feeling like i'd failed because i had forgotten to do this, forgotten to love and give to others. in my "fix-it" and "plan-it-all-out" brain, my first response was "i'll start doing it all again!" followed closely by "i don't have the time! i need healthy boundaries!"

did Jesus have boundaries? did he say "no" so that he could stay sane? did he give of himself with abandon and without regard for himself?

later that night, at home, i had a classic Marcia-attack. i felt overwhelmed by my failures and my inability to reach my goals and see all my ideals and dreams come to fruition.

i constantly dance in this tension between vision/hope/anticipation and failure/condemnation/inability. if someone compliments me, i immediately think of how the compliment reveals my inability to do more, or be more. i think i'm prideful if i believe i'm good at what i do. then i feel like a failure for being prideful and not good enough at what i do. i feel polarized.

i feel the tugging of dreams. i see the future for what it could be. i plan and get excited and hopeful. and then i crash because it seems so overwhelming and distant.

the common denominator? i. me. mine. my.

humility is putting your confidence in God. i need my confidence to come from God. daily.

this isn't a quick fix. it can't and won't be perfect. and maybe that's why i find it so hard...

"For I have come ... not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me."