"oh Lord, deliver me from this lust of always vindicating myself"
~ augustine

i've always struggled with distractions. i suppose that's why i loved my time at the ranch, with YWAM. i was in a place dedicated to Christ, surrounded by like-minded people. Distractions were there too, but of a different nature. I want to lose my will, my individuality. i don't want to lose who i am, but rather i want who i am to be so thoroughly in Christ that his will governs. one of the lies i've been believing is simple. i've been believing, choosing to believe, that if something is off in my relationship with God, i should change my attitude, change my mind. God gives us free will, after all, and desires us to choose. but what i've not been doing is replacing it with his attitudes and mind. i've been trying to alter mine so they are "better." that's still off! i do not need to change my mind or attitudes; i need to lose them completely in exchange for Christ's.

i always try to justify my actions. they're my actions after all, i should be able to change them. when i don't, i justify. i explain away how and why i am the way i am. proudly, in fact. but it is not what Christ meant when he said "you shall be my disciples" and "take up your cross." Christ meant for my individual self to die, with my actions and especially my vindication of those actions. "i have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer i who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life i now live in the flesh i live by faith in the son of God..." (gal. 2:20) how many times have i quoted that? i believe it was even part of my testimony before my baptism. i no longer live. spiritually, i am "made alive" but that being alive refers to the power of Christ's resurrection, not myself. Jesus, thank you for never giving up on me!